Plannage

For the first time in absolutely ages, I've been able to plan for the future. Its only tentative pencil scribblings of what I want to do compared to my usual in-depth plans with spreadsheets and thousand word notes to myself, but I take heart from the fact that I'm now able to get 2 brain cells to work together, for the first time since Katies death.

As such here is the result of todays thoughts and ruminations.

Firstly, the funeral. We are aiming for a service on or around the 3rd week of November, probably either the 13th/14th or the 20th/21st of the month at Dewsbury minster. These are, I must point out, a purely hypothetical dates at present as we have not confirmed them with either the vicar or the crematorium (from whom we must get Katies ashes). We hope to speak with the vicar this coming weekend when we're over, so we can get some clarity on the matter & we will post when we get some more news. Everyone who has read the entries over the last few days and weeks and months - no matter where you are based - will be welcome to attend as you have shared the experience with us, and it seems proper for you to be invited. We have shared her life with you and we do not want to stop that now.

Secondly, the recovery. C and I have talked at length about what we want to do to recover from the horrific situation we find ourselves in, and, whilst we would like to go and sit on a beach for a few weeks, there are constraints upon us. Aside from the fact that we're in Autum/Winter at present, there are other factors that make long-distance travel inadviseable (C's still not healed, for one - and the emotional distance from friends & family is the other big one). As such, we've canned the much discussed plans to go to New Zealand for a month; its too far away, too expensive and probably wont do what we want it to do. We dont have a direct alternative, but we're probably going to spend a few 1-week holidays in Europe, visiting friends & family around the UK, Ireland and Germany - and also probably visiting a Centreparks for weeks R&R. Its less glamourous, but it doesn't require 28 hours on a plane and is probably going to do us much more good in terms of 'being constantly available', so we would be able to relax more.

Then there's annual goals. At the start of the year, I set myself 3 goals: First (God willing) start a family, Secondly, get out of negative equity in the Dutch house & Third reduce the UK mortgage to a more manageable level. The first has been a mixed success, the second remains unresolved & the 3rd one has been hampered by the lacsadasical swine currently inhabiting the Leeds house who refuse to pay the rent they owe. Admittedly, the last 2 are linked - we would be out of the negative equity had we not been covering the UK mortgage (and its subsequent, apparently needed, renovation) - but these are just facts, and as far as I'm concerned, these goals all remain valid.

As such, as we do not have to spend time & money on Katie due to her tragic end, and as it is looking less likely that I will be made unemployed this year (though it could still happen), I want to progress these goals and put C & mysef in a better position - both for our future and also future family. Not only are we all going to try & get healthier by swimming at the local pool, we are also going to try and pay down both the UK and Dutch mortgages. Not punitively, but still, we can do this, so we should do this.

Lastly, the other stuff. Given that I now have the time, I'm going to be going on a VBA course in the UK, probably in November and I'm also going to start a German correspondence course via the Goethe instituut. My intention here is to build future foundations that will help me - both directly (in that my CPD will be met, for this year and the next) but also it will give me skills that will help me in the longer term; we're probably going to be moving to Germany in the next few years, and VBA will always be a positive thing on my CV.

I have no idea how realistic these plans are, as energy comes & goes seemingly at random. As I mentioned to people on the phone yesterday, I'm so tired that its hard to believe: I sleep to 11 in the morning and am ready to doze off by 4, and usually have a nap in the middle of the day, so I'm not 'good' by any stretch of the imagination, but I can see signs of progress. Life remains fraught, but the dust is settling.

Confusingly, its exactly the same and yet completely different.

S